i never got to tell you about my grades.
i don't think you'd ever get to hear of them.
you seem so different and distant.
it's hard to talk to you now when you don't even reply.

maybe i'll just write.

i was so glad to be able to be just enjoying the beauty of God's creation.

and feeling so loved all at the same time. <33

Dear Lord, I thank you for this day.
I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning.
I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God.
You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me.

Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.
I ask now for Your forgiveness.
Please keep me safe from all danger and harm.
Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude.
Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.

Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.
Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.

Let me continue to see sin through God's eyes and acknowledge it as evil.
And when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing, and receive the forgiveness of God.

And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example -- to slip away and find a quiet place to pray.
It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits.
I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart.

Continue to use me to do Your will.
Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others.
Keep me strong that I may help the weak.
Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.

I pray for those who are lost and can't find their way.
I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood.
I pray for those who don't know You intimately.
I pray for those who don't believe.
But I thank you that I believe.

I believe that God changes people and God changes things.
I pray for all my brothers and sisters.
For each and every family member in their households.
I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God.
Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.
I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly..
This is my prayer.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

i'm totally in love with the song ziyao sent me. ((:

today was my last performance of the year.
it was interesting.

i'm going to miss all of it.






i already do.

been ages since i last posted.

sigh, time is really just flying by.
dance night is over.
(our video doesn't do justice to the fabulous dance night that we had. )): so annoying)
i was just checking the handphone number of the cell before sending them out to the leaders, and i realised how most of them have actually changed; it just reminded me of how much time has past since we had started out.
it has been one and a half years. (one year and five and a half months to be exact)
i really have grown quite attached to them.
the leaders too.

i heard news today, that just makes me sad.
inside me, i'm hoping it doesn't come to past.
really really.
I DON'T WANTTTT ):

oh well,
butter factory performance coming up.
i don't know how good it will be.
but i think i really should have some faith in the j1s.
they are going for practice more than i am. ((:
oh well.
hope things turn out well for their batch.

dance dance!

i'm getting really frustrated with the whole dance night thing.
people suddenly not wanting their tickets and what not.
people not coming for practice and bothering to tell me.
i hate this i/c job.
though i think it's just my really irritable mood surfacing every ten seconds.
because of irritating irresponsible dancers who don't bother telling me whether they won't be coming, till i hunt them down.
i'm really starting to get scared for dance night.
like really.
i'm really tired from all of this.
i can't wait for it to come; but yet, i don't want any of this to end.

):

i'm trying so hard to quit complaining about things.
oh well.

i hope i don't get another blister tomorrow from salsa.
my feet are ugly enough.

we need to find costumes.
SOON!

i'm tired and drained out.
another two weeks.
that's all that's left to make the magic happen.
needlesss to say, i'm a little apprehensive about what it would turn out to be.
pek's isn't done yet, my steps are all ):
and i'm just sluggish about it all.

sigh.

it feels like getting into first team, but being benched all the time.
it's really discouraging.

but i know i should still count my blessings.

ROARRR!

i cannot take it.
crying makes me tired.
hopfully this really pushes through this time.
i don't want to see it flop.
like a rag doll.

i managed to catch step up today after school.
it's not so much the movie that's affecting me now, but rather what happened after that.
i feel really crappy about it and if you're reading, i'm sorry.
i know i should just stop expecting, but it's hard to.
like really.
after i said what i did, you just weren't in the same mood anymore.
i can tell, don't lie.
i don't know.
i'll just give it a break for now.

but the dance makes me pissed at Hamzah.
annoying enough, he even texted me about the classes he conducts.
like HELLO!?
why should i bother publicising for you when you totally just abandoned us?!
at least there's still pek's item to look forward to.
auditions tomorrow;
please please let me get through.

there is an endless song
echoes in my soul
i hear the music ring

and though the storms may come
i am holding on
onto the rock i cling

how can i keep from singing your praise
how can i ever say enough
how amazing is your love

how can i keep from shouting your name
i know i am loved by the King
and it makes my heart want to sing

i will lift my eyes
in the darkest night
for i know my saviour lives

and i will walk with you
knowing you'll see me through
and sing the songs you give

i can sing in the troubled times
sing when i win
i can sing when i lose my step
and fall down again
i can sing 'cause you pick me up
sing 'cause you're there
i can sing 'cause you hear me Lord
when i call to you in prayer
i can sing with my last breath
sing for i know
that i'll sing with the angels
and saints around the throne.

i'm actually going for overnight prayer today.
so that i can keep things in perspective and stop being a total bitch about the issue.

right now, the only thing on my mind is to figure out how to get the hamzah item going.
like seriously.
aaaaaaaaaaah.
today, the horrible depressing things are overwhelming the nice happy things.

i totally screwed up bio, like BIG TIME.
i don't usually feel this way about subjects that i like, but tada!
here's one of those exams.
and then the dance thing! ):
i didn't get to watch step up2!
which i totally want to watch tomorrow after overnight prayer before i go home for anything.

the nice happy thing: we met a really nice bus uncle! ((:

i wish i was there at camp now.
seeing what sam sees,
seeing all the kids opening up.
i feel like i'm missing all these things because i'm so caught up in everything else.
i don't want to stop being their leader because i want to be in the midst of it when it all happens.
when they suddenly blossom into who they know they are in God.
i really wish i was there.

i wish i was there to celebrate sam's birthday as well.
I LOVE SAM! ((:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAM!

i just realised while i was doing quiet time that God really answers prayers.
in the midst of all my endless worries, (which are essentially pointless) that He really answers them when you're not noticing.

i remember at the start of the year worrying soooo much about how i was going to apply for universities/scholarships with my ultra pathetic CCA record (which only has the list of things that i've participated in, my CCA teacher didn't even know me then)
but now, i have a list of things to testify of God's wonderful grace!
1) i/c for broadway (hamzah isn't as bad as i thought, he called me back today! and trust me, that's a miracle in itself)
2) i'm doing the syf performance and i just got an extra part! (okay, to me it's a bit of an affirmation though i know i'm doing it only because i'm the biggest among the rest of them)
3) my teacher i/cs know my name! ((: (so at least i'll get some extra input into my less than decent testimonial at the end of the year.)

i just realised i had all those happening for me when i actually did quiet time.
i cannot tell you how grateful i am to the Father for providing all this for me.
really.
to think i never noticed them the day they were presented to me.
i did pray for those things in a vague general way.
and faithfully, He answered.
so yes, we have a gracious, generous, faithful God that <3 you WHOLEHEARTEDLY!
((:

i shouldn't be here posting, especially when i don't know how to do econs. ):
i feel terrible. gah. shall read sloman later tonight after everything else.

broadway prac has been shifted to thursday from 5-7.
and people can't make it.
i don't want them to drop out of the dance just because they can't go for practice.
he reads my texts and never replies them, forcing me to call him.
i feel like some annoying fly.
i'm going to have unhappy parents when my handphone bill comes in.
roarrr. stress.

preview is this wednesday.
my balance is so terrible i keep falling when doing contemp.
aaaaaah. going for contemp practice is seriously ego deflating to the MAXX!
just pray i feel confident enough on dance night not to look like screwed up cockroach scuttling around stage.

okay. must study econs.
ahh.

i want to watch leap years!
anyone want to join me?
which reminds me that i haven't watched P.S i love you yet!
everyone is so busy there's no time to do nice relaxing fun things ):

i totally screwed up at cell today.
i can't believe how unprepared and unenthusiastic i was.
maybe due to the following reasons:
1) i lack sleep, sad to say, i nearly fell asleep at worship again. standing up! it would have been so embarrassing if i actually fell down on my face in the middle of worship.
2) i was too unfocussed
3) i didn't know what i was doing when i was planning word

i can't wait for dance camp!
that would mean no more GP CTs.
not that i would actually study for it.
but still, going for meeting the day before would be just pure insanity.
especially since dance ends at 8?!
by the time i get down to church, meeting would be over, but still in time for me to say 'good job' to donna! it's so exciting that she's going to share her testimony!

my bruises are so annoying!
they never seem to heal.
i need a massage. ):

honestly, i don't know why i'm still staying in the dance.
everyone else that felt so at ease, they all found their place in the dance group.
i still feel like i'm hanging there, just hanging in there by the skin of my teeth.
it feels rather uncomfortable.

i might have to drop a dance.
hamzah is driving me insane.

today was generally a draining day!
plus i forgot to bring my quiche! ):

but anyhow, salsa was fun!
except that i realised my right hip is a little weird.
and that i've got a little psycho-motor problems.
oh well.the schedule for dance is pretty screwed up
i don't think my parents are going to be very happy.

i have to think of something to do with all my free time in between class and dance.
hmmm.

reunion dinner is over!
i'm looking forward to chinese new year!
it's going to be interesting!

but i can't get fat.
i'm already trying not to binge and grow chubby like before! ):

i shouldn't be online at this hour.
but there are just some photos that i wish to upload.
from my outings with two of my favourite people!
jiayin and ryan!

yay, it's working now!

i can't get the one with ryan up, oh well.

you've got to wait for some other time boy!

bahhh.
okay time to get off.

just when everyone was getting facebook accounts, i decided to delete mine.
it's going to save me a lot of time online, so i'd be more productive when it comes to my work!
GO XUE!

salsa auditions today.
the routine was sooo absurdly short, character really had to shine through.
which is something i'm particularly weak in.
results will only be out after broadway auditions are over.
i hope to do well for broadway too.
i want these two dances pretty badly!

okay i'm really sleepy.
GOODNIGHT WORLD!

i don't really know what i'm doing in dance.
i'm just hoping that when it comes down to practising for dance night i'll get all fired up again.
that is provided i get the dances that i want.
just that there are auditions to pass.
sighh.

the only thing that actually cheered up my day was this pretty flower that i found when i was walking home!
((:

i feel like for once i'm using my blog for it's intended use.
venting my frustrations so that i wouldn't be bothering anyone i shouldn't be.

i feel so sluggish once i get home,
once i get out of class and once i feel lost and out of place.
the very feeling i get when i'm in school with no lessons to attend and the very wayi feel when i'm in dance without the other loners to keep me company.

i don't know.
maybe i've been pushing people away.
i don't know what im doing.

i still feel God telling me that i'm striving way too hard and that i should be taking time for myself, to do the things that i love, but i dont know what to do.
i don't know what i love doing anymore.
besides dance, which i don't really get to do.
suddenly all my life seems to revolve around my work, the very few dance practices, trying to get the cell together and praying that the kids would be more sensible each & every second.
nothing really seems to fall into place.
but then again, the world doesn't revolve around me, so move on and keep your eyes on GOD.
aaaaaah!

GO XUE!

i felt so lost waiting in school for wenjun today.
after ten months in raffles, i still feel so lost and out of place.
i actually think i do it to myself, which is probably right.
aside from the fact that, i'm not exactly the most chatty/happy person around.
i really felt like an idiot, just sitting there.

i don't know.
will find some other things to fill my time with.

i feel like i'm making all the wrong choices.
saying all the wrong things.
not doing the right things
and just hoping i was a different person.

i don't tell you things anymore because i don't feel that need to anymore.
not the way i did before.
that few months when you were not around.
i relied on God and i guess it's becoming a habit, not that im complaining.
but now that i realise it, it just seems harder and harder to let God have everything.
aaaah.

i know i have homework
but i'm just too lazy to get started.

cell was soooo messy on saturday.
half the blame goes to the lousy room that we have.
okay, i should be grateful that we even have a room.
but the chattiness of the cell is amplified 100 times in the echoey room that we've got.
not thanks to the occasional banging for the other side.

but we're praying for a new room.
and less chattiness when they need to listen.

i don't know why, but i get the feeling that i'll be very proud of my kids at the end of the year.
i sure hope that comes true. hmmm.

okay. time to start homework.

call me slow,
but i just realised my blog is pink!
so is my file and my (sister's) bag that i bring to school.
some think i've turned into a bimbo overnight.

today makes me tired and overworked.
today is physical overload.
tomorrow is mental overload.
there's H3 until 5!

aaaaaaaah.
and i'm broke from paying for the ISLE photos.
one 6R photo cots $3.
i printed 15.
so there goes my allowance and class fund.
GAH!
got to dig deeper into my pockets. ):

i feel like i've been neglecting my own blog, which is slightly true since i've turned my attention to reading the books my sister borrowed from tanglin club.

i haven't been keeping up with my work and starting to sleep late as usual.
today, i finally caught forty winks while waiting for pe period to start.
my pe is soooo slack.
after that at ISLE meeting, i heard about the PE for the guys from another class and i feel fat.
something like 2km then 100 push-ups then leg lifts & etc.
poor souls.
i'm so glad i'm a girl.

econs tutor wasn't here today.
thank goodness.
we were saved from the enbearable torture of having to hear her really demeaning high pitched voice.
she's a SLAVE DRIVER!
she makes me do my econs tutorials.
aaaah.
which means even more work that usual.
GAH!

there's so much i haven't done.
okay.
xueen, time to get off the comp.
NOW! ):

cell started off well for the year
i'm soooo relieved and for a change, LIONEL CAME FOR CELL!
and he said matthew will follow him next week.
speaking of cell, i don't really want to follow the cell material given.
it seems rather intensive.

i shall have to think of a new name for the cell blog to post up all the emails that people like ZE don't read!

school starts again tomorrow!
DANCE AUDITIONS TOO!
hahahah, i'm really excited actually.

hee.

i just got back from cca feste.
i am sooo tired i think i'm going to crash.

stupid H3 chem has 65 pages of material to print by tomorrow!
i think i'm just going to go to school and print in the library.
i'm sooo sleepy.
okay, i'll rush everything tonight then.
goodnight.

today's monday!
i was excited to be back in school.
its better than being at home doing housework by far.

we had principles talk today.
it's odd how she can't pronounce 'rafflesians',
she goes 'raffesians' and it's just weird to hear.

anyhow, i feel lazy to blog on the cell blog.
every post there seems so in depth and deep.
i feel shallow and like a mugger.
like all my live revolves around in school, sometimes dance and sometimes cell.

sam told me something last night about what the Lord said to him about me.
have to go dig up my msn convo.

here it is,
he said: 'you'll have a hugely emotional year and that you'll be really changed at the end, for the better' (sam, didn't have punctuations in his words)
but anyhow, really hope so.
i know it's going to be really intense,
i'm already starting to feel it,
one week into the new year.

my sister bought the recent cleo magazine
it has an article which says 'TAMING the overly competitive male'
right.
like i care.

okay, it's getting late.
got to pack up soon, especially my cereal with blueberries.
this time, i'll pack a spoon as well. ((:

i give up.

GAH!
sodding blogspot.
i can't change my template to the one i wantt!
i give up.

if you figure out how, please tell me.
i don't even know how half of the little widget gadgets thing work.

i ended school at 1230.
and lookie, it's already 2.
i just wasted 1.5 hours

i saw felicia today! :D
kenneth too.
that was nice.

i shall go do econs.
did i tell you i'm scared of my econs teacher and don't really fancy her the way i wish i did.

post no. 1

crazy blogspot wouldn't allow me to delete all the posts at once so i just decided to delete my whole blog.
they refused to give me my old address back so i had to settle for this one.

today's the second day of school.
i still haven't seen felicia.
i still haven't gone for dance.
i still haven't sorted out the stuff from the states.
i still haven't read my econs notes.
i still haven't returned soon ae's jacket.

what i have done though, i'm quite proud of! :D
i finished my two chemistry tutorials!
it took a lot of effort.
well, a fair bit of it considering i didn't know how to do it when i left for my holiday.

my new converse are giving me blisters.
this time, it isn't at the heels.
they decided to attack the side of my feet.
my poor little toe on my right foot hurts.

my new econs teacher scares me.
today at tutorial, she started jabbering on about economic indicators.
the topic we did last year, but i haven't read up on.
and i had absolutely no idea what she was saying.
i felt sooo dumb.
the class was pretty silent though.
we were all shell-shocked and uhm, of course, blur.
so i shall read my econs notes!
that's one thing good.

i am soooo glad i end school at 1230 on fridays.
it makes my day! ((: